Friends, it is not often I have a spare moment to blog in real-time. This is as close as it gets. It’s 6:08 AM on Saturday morning. My baby has just tested my patience since around 2:30. We still have
nights mornings when she decides to wake up and cry for sometimes a long time. Her latest trick is waking up and rolling over onto her belly so that she face plants. I don’t really think she is going to suffocate, but I am her mother, so I turn her over and hope this time, she’ll stay on her back and fall asleep.
Anyway, at 5:30 I finally decided to give in and nurse her–but with the lights on, in the family room–trying to trick her into thinking it’s really 7 am and this is reasonable. The only reward for this is the fact that she fell asleep and cuddled on my neck for a little while. She is NOT a cuddler, so I soaked it up and then deposited her back in her crib to finish her sleep (on her back).
The reason I am writing now is because I can feel the fall air through the window and the bigs are still slumbering and the hubs is out running (of course) “just to central park and back” — he’s a wonder. It’s quiet, and I have a spare moment.
Yesterday I ran 5 miles. I cannot remember a time when a run was more exhilarating. Factors involved: I weighed myself and realized I was FINALLY down 4 pounds (since week 2). J was home with the baby (she was safe and sound). My route was a circle on two of my favorite Brooklyn streets (designed by J). I had on knee-high compression socks (because my other socks were dirty). The weather was absolutely perfect. My Nike + app played all my favorites from my running list. I was seriously so happy about this run, that when I saw a fellow girl runner around mile 4 coming my way, I stuck my hand out and YES…she high-fived me.
I have NEVER interacted with a running stranger before in NYC. Ever. In my Mom’s hood everyone’s always like helloing and good morninging…not here.
The total route was more than 5 miles, but at 5.10 the final hill appeared, and so I stopped running. I was NOT going to let that hill ruin my 10:12 pace. It was seriously the best hour I have had in 2 weeks. I felt like myself, I felt strong, I felt back. I almost cried.
I have been shrouded in brain buzz for about 2 weeks. This past week it’s manifested in the boat sway. Even when I am sitting still I feel like I am on a boat. It actually affects my perception to the point where I miss door handles when I go to open them, drop things and bump into people. I’m just slightly off- but it is exhausting and agitating for it’s constancy. When I am out and about it is better, I am mostly afflicted when I am at home.
It is frustrating to say the least. It is a test of my patience and long-suffering. I have been doing the following to combat it: praying, breathing, exercising, soul-dipping, asking, answering, talking, resting my eyes, napping, enduring. I know it is anxiety. I know it is stress-related. I also know that I have nothing to be anxious about. Isn’t that what anxiety is after all? Irrational fear? (Though I think it is no coincidence that it showed up on the first day of school.)
I am coping and I am happy. There was one morning there where I really worried and I felt like maybe I was having some delayed PPD, but after I got through that day I knew it wasn’t, or at least, that I wasn’t going to let it be that.
So I’m dancing my dance over here, one step at a time: trying to be clear, focused, rational and sublime.