In which I vent

My Feelings:

~When you are pregnant with a baby and have a due date…you naturally become aware of other women in your life with a similar due date.  The girls in your congregation at church, your neighbor a few floors above you, friends on facebook, etc.  And because of your past two pregnancies, you tell yourself: all of these people are going to have their babies before me. And then when you are right, all you feel is crappy.

I better deliver before my two besties due in August.

~When you have had pregnancy experiences in the past that tell you you will be late, you learn from that and you don’t set yourself for emotional disaster, rather, you prepare for the long haul.  And then you can’t help but think of the various due dates that have been assigned to your baby (Last Menstrual Period Calculation, early ultrasound prediction, 20-week ultrasound prediction), and then they all pass.  Suddenly all that joking you were doing about being lucky to deliver before July, isn’t a joke anymore, because July is just around the corner and…it turns out that joking around about that was also setting yourself up for emotional disaster.

My induction date is the day before school lets out. (maniacal laughter)

~When you think it’s your third baby, and you have a good solid due date this time, and you are bound to have a baby by mid-June, it is reasonable to plan for some things in early July. And as the days get closer and closer to early July and you are still pregnant, you start picturing yourself doing those activities in early July and all you can picture is a stack of maxi pads, a container of tucks and lansinoh cream for the blisters on your nipples.  Suddenly those activities don’t seem as fun as they were when you planned them.

And so I don’t think I will be doing those fun things I planned.

~Your family has been very patient with you, but then your 7-year-old daughter starts composing music with the lyrics: “Even when your Mom is cranky all the time,” and so you deny it and then she keeps singing: “yes you are!”

I just feel bad.

And that is why I cried all the day long on Saturday.  Seriously, I couldn’t even find words to describe why I was crying.  My only solace being that it was my 4th pregnancy meltdown in 41 weeks, and that’s pretty good right?

And that is why I started knitting the chevron baby blanket (challenging) project that I was saving for just this instance of waiting.  Because counting is easier than waiting.  And I am quite certain I will finish the project before my baby comes out.

Even though there is an end to this pregnancy, and it is guaranteed to be within the next 8 days and I am assuming it will end with a beautiful healthy baby girl, I think the hardest part is the fact that I let myself dream of going into labor unassisted, without intervention. Literally, almost every night as I fell asleep the past 35ish weeks, I pictured surges starting and sphincters opening and labor happening to my body this time, instead of medical intervention starting everything up.  I even put waterproof pads on my bed, dreaming I would be part of the 15% of women whose water actually breaks on its own.

So I’m mad I let myself dream.  And I’m mad that I can’t recognize my blessings in the midst of the retched waiting.  I’m mad at people asking me that dreaded question.  I’m mad that everyone else had their baby before me.  I’m mad that I’m cranky.  I’m mad that I have stocked up on food twice, lice-checked twice (oh can you imagine if I had found any?????) and I’m going to have to repaint my toenails again.  I’m mad my body won’t do what it’s supposed to do.  I’m mad that in moments of weakness I think about shoddy, worn-out placentas, calcified babies and still births.  I’m mad that the skin on my stomach is peeling like a snake.  I’m mad that I did not have ONE contraction yesterday.  I’m just mad that I’m mad!

The end.



12 responses to “In which I vent

  1. Let it out, honey, let it out. Love you.

  2. It runs in the family. I have never gone into labor naturally on my own. And, I have to have an epidural so my body will relax enough to deliver. Big picture: baby.

  3. Just be grateful you have a due date, my sister miscarried her first baby this morning.

    • Gem, I have been so grateful for this pregnancy and trying not to take it for granted at all. This is my moment of weakness. I am sorry for your loss.

      • I’m sorry, I was caught up in the moment and your blog post just happened to come up at the wrong time. I know obviously you’re entitled to your moaning times as well, I’m sure it can’t be easy waiting for the end to come along. Hope it comes quickly for you and that your baby is healthy and happy :)

  4. Thanks for sharing your imperfections amidst such beautiful sparkling family you have. It makes you strong, more interesting and very human! Don’t we all go through these moments??? You are so blessed and blessed will be your delivery day with you fantastic enchanting baby girl on your hands!!! And oh my you have so much energy!!! Perhaps we all could borrow a little! :)

    • Kristy Glass

      Pat- “beautiful and sparkling!” maybe you need to come over for dinner! ; ) get a little reality check!!! Thanks for your comments.

      I’m on the go – excuse the typos!

  5. You are allowed to be mad. On my 7th day post-due-date, I had a screaming tantrum on the phone with my mother. Like I was two years old. I was just SO FREAKING TIRED of being pregnant. Yes, be grateful for your blessings. But it is okay to just be worn and emotionally exhausted. You are not allowed to have guilt over being FINISHED. Please know that there are those of us out there that feel your pain. I could’ve written this post myself EXACTLY seven years ago, since Preston was due on June 13th and not born until the 21st. You know what put me into labor (I believe??) My midwife had me take these little tablets called Caulophyllum. I took them in the evening during FHE and was in labor by 5am – after not being dialated or effaced at ALL during my non-stress test at 41 weeks. Worth asking your midwife about?

    I am sending contracting thoughts your way and praying for you, okay? YOU CAN DO THIS :)

  6. Good for you for hammering out your frustrations for your world to read.That is the mental-healthiest thing to do. If you think about how busy you were in May with visitors etc, even if you weren’t frustrated you would feel let down with nobody to entertain. With #1 I was teaching second grade and worried about water breaking. I kept a paper cup full of H2O on my desk for that scenerio so the kids wouldn’t think I had peed my pants. Finally it did break late at home one night in the hall.

    Have your girls “play spa” and let them give you a pedi. Let them pick the colors, paint and clean up their mess. Guarantied to make you giggle and I’m sure you give great tips. Still taking weekly belly pics I hope. Hugs!!

  7. It’s ok to be mad mad mad! I would be too!

  8. I love that you wrote this post the day she was born :) See, if only you had known what the evening would bring!

  9. Kristie larsen

    Ahhh yes. Crazy mad days… I think exercising is a great ideA. I remember when I was waiting for levi, I went to bed three nights in a row with contractions that I was SURE would result in a baby by morning. When I woke up each time to nothing but dreams I was miserable. And I was super fat too. Something at least you don’t have to deal with. I think I finally hit 200 or got close to it. So waiting another 7 days to have him didn’t help. I remember thinking surely I wouldn’t hae to do ronins birthday party bring prego. Especially since I was so fat but sho nuff, I showed up to that party (which patrick was prepared to run) still fat as can be and all he kids moms said the same thing: “you’re still here!” I was fuming mad and it still took two more days for that baby to show. Go gt some crumbs cupcakes. Hit the Guggenheim or central park. Do some exercising and start a new good book. Hang in there. I know you can do it!

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