Last night a song came on my ipod. Be OK by Ingird Michaelson. As I was dishing up the fettuccine (Mom! Why can’t we have the skinny spaghetti) and meatballs and broccoli and strawberries, I had a flash.
I remember when that song meant so very much. I just wanted to wake up each day and be ok. I didn’t want to feel heavy and agitated and like I was walking through water getting nowhere. I wanted to be in control of my life, emotions, happiness.
Since I don’t feel that way anymore I wondered-am I taking my life today for granted? Do I appreciate this? The answer is a resounding yes! I have thrown up bunches and felt tired and had a few moments of irrational emotion (fear, what did I do? melancholy what did I do?), dry-heaved in bathrooms and on subways and puked on the street…and I really don’t regret it.
I got an email yesterday that said 17 weeks, 23 weeks to go….wrong week?
I read it as sarcasm…like: “Is this the wrong week to tell you that you STILL have 23 weeks to go?” I was mistaken…it was just a friendly service for you to click on in the event it was indeed the wrong week. But after I read it as sarcasm, I just started panicking–in 23 weeks this is going to be over again? This nauseous, exhausting, strange-fluttering, discovery of a human being is going to be over….in 23 weeks???
I feel so lucky. My first two pregnancies, though equally hard, came easy to my spry young body, and having had to wait a little longer and try a little harder for this one, I am embracing every day I get to be pregnant. I feel fat and I have waist envy and I worry the ever-growing love handles will NEVER go away, but it doesn’t matter. My husband loves me and I am starting to love myself more each day and knowing that my body can make this human is helping me.
I’ve been reading Ina May’s book for the first time (can you believe I never read it before?), and the birth stories are reminding me of my last experience giving birth and the overwhelming empowerment that giving birth brings. I am quite sure I uttered: “I don’t think I ever want to do that again” after giving birth without pain medication, but I find myself wanting to feel that feeling once again, remind myself of what exactly I am capable of. 23 more weeks.