17 Weeks

Last night a song came on my ipod.  Be OK by Ingird Michaelson.  As I was dishing up the fettuccine (Mom! Why can’t we have the skinny spaghetti) and meatballs and broccoli and strawberries, I had a flash.

I remember when that song meant so very much. I just wanted to wake up each day and be ok. I didn’t want to feel heavy and agitated and like I was walking through water getting nowhere.  I wanted to be in control of my life, emotions, happiness.

Since I don’t feel that way anymore I wondered-am I taking my life today for granted?  Do I appreciate this?  The answer is a resounding yes!  I have thrown up bunches and felt tired and had a few moments of irrational emotion (fear, what did I do? melancholy what did I do?), dry-heaved in bathrooms and on subways and puked on the street…and I really don’t regret it.

I got an email yesterday that said 17 weeks, 23 weeks to go….wrong week?

I read it as sarcasm…like: “Is this the wrong week to tell you that you STILL have 23 weeks to go?” I was mistaken…it was just a friendly service for you to click on in the event it was indeed the wrong week.  But after I read it as sarcasm, I just started panicking–in 23 weeks this is going to be over again?  This nauseous, exhausting, strange-fluttering, discovery of a human being is going to be over….in 23 weeks???

I feel so lucky.  My first two pregnancies, though equally hard, came easy to my spry young body, and having had to wait a little longer and try a little harder for this one, I am embracing every day I get to be pregnant.  I feel fat and I have waist envy and I worry the ever-growing love handles will NEVER go away, but it doesn’t matter.  My husband loves me and I am starting to love myself more each day and knowing that my body can make this human is helping me.

I’ve been reading Ina May’s book for the first time (can you believe I never read it before?), and the birth stories are reminding me of my last experience giving birth and the overwhelming empowerment that giving birth brings.  I am quite sure I uttered:  “I don’t think I ever want to do that again” after giving birth without pain medication, but I find myself wanting to feel that feeling once again, remind myself of what exactly I am capable of.  23 more weeks.




8 responses to “17 Weeks

  1. For myself I would never trade a no med childbirth with a med one. My first was with an epidural and I was a mess, my second was without meds by accident, she came to fast, easy peasy recovery. I am glad I had both experiences because my last 4, there was not even a questions of meds in my birth plans. It was painful but for me the recovery was so sweet and easy. I don’t judge others for there choices because we all have to do what we feel is best for us and the situation but I also think we are stronger than we think.
    Go with your heart!
    I am so happy for your family, what a lucky little spirit.

  2. I have always said that I would happily do it again. Of course I was never sick a day in 2 pregnancies. I am certain that this time around the gratitude factor will play a greater part in the whole process. Older and wiser. The nausea should be over soon right?

  3. Enjoy every moment! Just think being pregnant just might get you more modeling opportunities if you are going that route this time.

  4. I have been smiling ever since I found out your news. Ahh, what an awesome surprise. I am so so happy for you and for the little one! I think I told my sister three times last week how excited I am for you.

    I AM sorry you’re not feeling great though, ugh! Nothing like that and it really is a struggle that makes you wonder why you wanted it so bad!!! But totally worth it after it’s done. Same with childbirth without meds. You question – especially in transition – WHY in the world you decided to do it that way, but then it’s over and you could seriously do ANYTHING. What a high. I also felt like I paid GOLD for my little J because I had felt every contraction and I didn’t want anything to happen to her because she had been paid for with gold!

    I am interested in your opinion of the Gaskin book. I never read it, though I read 3 others! My fav was Birthing from Within though the first part is pretty weird. The part about getting through contractions was especially helpful for me.

    So so excited for you!! And your skinny stomach WILL return, I just know it. I never started out with a flat stomach so it’s no surprise I don’t have one now! Once again, the weight increase is totally worth it after you go back to normal! So happy for you!

  5. great post.. I sigh

  6. I saw your news while I was out of town, but didn’t get a chance to comment. Congrats! Baby Glass #3 will be a fun addition! I always remember how much you love babies…..so I hope you enjoy every minute of the experience!

  7. i’m so THRILLED for you! another glass to add to the posse = a better world.

    i read and loved ina may…may i also suggest mama zen by karen maezen miller?


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