November 7, 2011
Those of you who are reading this post-“the big news”-I want you to know that it is KILLING me not to share with you the fact that I am indeed pregnant.
I just turned on the Christmas playlist of my itunes in hopes of it taking my mind off the nausea…the constant, relentless, ever-present nausea. I guess it was this bad (possibly worse) the last two times, but it’s been SO LONG (7 years) that I am just floored by it. Nothing to root you in the present like nausea and nothing else. No stomach (though I swear the love handles that i have always called “milk stores” have already doubled in size despite little to no weight gain), no kicks to feel, no maternity clothes…just that grody feeling in your gut that when dwelled upon a second too long, results in a dry heave.
I can’t think of what to eat, and yet that’s what I really need to do to fend it off. I like yogurt, cheese, milk (think my body is craving calcium for BONE GROWTH?), watery fruit like grapes and mangos, bananas, yeasty bread, and Mexican. But it all makes me sick to think about at the same time. It’s a cycle of feel sick–try to think of something to eat quick!-eat it-feel better for about 5 minutes–then back to the nausea.
I have woken up twice in the middle of the night STARVING. One night I just got up and ate but last night I just couldn’t do it….I talked myself into ignoring it, and went back to sleep.
My favorite position is lying down. I saw the beginning of a commercial last night…it started with a close up of a woman’s face lying on a couch and she asked: GOT _____? I said: YES I DO! Even though it was a commercial for something about the lungs….it panned out to an elephant sitting on her on top of the couch.
The kids are totally clueless, they just keep thinking I am really tired when I take naps every single day. Maybe it reminds them of the keppra days, when I was often found lying on the couch, side effects of those awful awful pills.
I have dreamed about a baby for so long now, that I am surprised I am not super ecstatic and over-the-moon, but the truth is:
1. I will not feel ecstatic until I have definitely moved beyond my first trimester and seen that blood clot resolve (though it is smaller than my grape-sized baby).
2. Finding out about this pregnancy was so strange that I didn’t have the normal process of: Ooh! I missed my period! could it be? Anticipation….
3. I am pretty scared. I think it’s the hormones that are talking there. I have felt like a baby would be totally doable and easy breezy, but now that it’s a reality, I have a lot of fear about it. I am trying to remember to just be present and have faith that everything will work out.
In the in between parts, I think about being surprised with the sex, and the birth experience…I am trying to remember the POSITIVES of childbirth, not the negatives.