In which I vent

My Feelings:

~When you are pregnant with a baby and have a due date…you naturally become aware of other women in your life with a similar due date.  The girls in your congregation at church, your neighbor a few floors above you, friends on facebook, etc.  And because of your past two pregnancies, you tell yourself: all of these people are going to have their babies before me. And then when you are right, all you feel is crappy.

I better deliver before my two besties due in August.

~When you have had pregnancy experiences in the past that tell you you will be late, you learn from that and you don’t set yourself for emotional disaster, rather, you prepare for the long haul.  And then you can’t help but think of the various due dates that have been assigned to your baby (Last Menstrual Period Calculation, early ultrasound prediction, 20-week ultrasound prediction), and then they all pass.  Suddenly all that joking you were doing about being lucky to deliver before July, isn’t a joke anymore, because July is just around the corner and…it turns out that joking around about that was also setting yourself up for emotional disaster.

My induction date is the day before school lets out. (maniacal laughter)

~When you think it’s your third baby, and you have a good solid due date this time, and you are bound to have a baby by mid-June, it is reasonable to plan for some things in early July. And as the days get closer and closer to early July and you are still pregnant, you start picturing yourself doing those activities in early July and all you can picture is a stack of maxi pads, a container of tucks and lansinoh cream for the blisters on your nipples.  Suddenly those activities don’t seem as fun as they were when you planned them.

And so I don’t think I will be doing those fun things I planned.

~Your family has been very patient with you, but then your 7-year-old daughter starts composing music with the lyrics: “Even when your Mom is cranky all the time,” and so you deny it and then she keeps singing: “yes you are!”

I just feel bad.

And that is why I cried all the day long on Saturday.  Seriously, I couldn’t even find words to describe why I was crying.  My only solace being that it was my 4th pregnancy meltdown in 41 weeks, and that’s pretty good right?

And that is why I started knitting the chevron baby blanket (challenging) project that I was saving for just this instance of waiting.  Because counting is easier than waiting.  And I am quite certain I will finish the project before my baby comes out.

Even though there is an end to this pregnancy, and it is guaranteed to be within the next 8 days and I am assuming it will end with a beautiful healthy baby girl, I think the hardest part is the fact that I let myself dream of going into labor unassisted, without intervention. Literally, almost every night as I fell asleep the past 35ish weeks, I pictured surges starting and sphincters opening and labor happening to my body this time, instead of medical intervention starting everything up.  I even put waterproof pads on my bed, dreaming I would be part of the 15% of women whose water actually breaks on its own.

So I’m mad I let myself dream.  And I’m mad that I can’t recognize my blessings in the midst of the retched waiting.  I’m mad at people asking me that dreaded question.  I’m mad that everyone else had their baby before me.  I’m mad that I’m cranky.  I’m mad that I have stocked up on food twice, lice-checked twice (oh can you imagine if I had found any?????) and I’m going to have to repaint my toenails again.  I’m mad my body won’t do what it’s supposed to do.  I’m mad that in moments of weakness I think about shoddy, worn-out placentas, calcified babies and still births.  I’m mad that the skin on my stomach is peeling like a snake.  I’m mad that I did not have ONE contraction yesterday.  I’m just mad that I’m mad!

The end.

 

Tea

I have had some events on my calendar for a while, and I have been full of anticipation for said events to help me get through the last leg of pregnancy…

Whitlee came to town, so I decided to have a little intimate tea party for my girls and a select few of our besties.  It was a lovely way to spend the afternoon with the very nearest and dearest in our life.

I received a Yodeling Pickle. Enough Said.

I made a few little tea party gifts.  These phone cozies (I made them) were perfect as place settings and reminders to turn off the phone and spend ACTUAL TIME with loved ones.

I have my eggs in so many baskets, it was fun to have friends from different walks of life come together and get to know each other. I am blessed with so much love and support in my life.  It was a very special afternoon.

Lolly and I enjoyed Chocolate Milk in our teacups. Notice: pinky up!

Twiggy Shoot

I have had some events on my calendar for a while, and I have been full of anticipation for said events to help me get through the last leg of pregnancy…

Last week I took my pregnancy portraits with Wendy of Blue Lily.

I can’t remember where the idea came from, but MONTHS ago I decided the theme of the shoot would be: Twiggy gets knocked up.

I gathered images from the interwebs for inspiration:

Then I did some shopping on etsy and got those pieces altered to fit my pregnant non-twiggyish figure.  I did some makeup practice and then bought the items that I needed to make it even better (thank you mac, you always come through).

Whoo! Those lashes…I was lucky to get it right without REALLY practicing it again before the shoot date.

I rode the subway with my first complete look on and totally caught this guy taking a picture of me.  A man of my own heart.  I totally would have taken my picture too. I looked ridiculous…don’t forget I had a HUGE belly to go with the face and the outfit. awesome.

I scouted locations through an architecture book I borrowed from a friend and found this AWESOME building which unfortunately was shrouded with scaffolding when we arrived! GRRRRR….

But Wendy spied some benches like those around the corner so we did some shots there and at Southstreet Seaport.  We also found a secluded little courtyard way downtown-ideal for privacy while shooting and CHANGING on the streets of NYC!

We ended the shoot at the Trump Building because that crazy globe was built in the 60′s! I learned a lot about the buildings in NYC while looking through that book.  Jen helped me with my jewelry for that look–love how the earrings match the globe!

We had so much fun–the weather was PERFECTION and I even ran into to two different friends while shooting. Bizarre.  I cannot wait to see the finished result.

5 Weeks More

5 is countable on one hand. It is so small.  I didn’t even know I was pregnant when I was 5 weeks pregnant.  My children are both older than 5 years old.  I count down from 5 when I want a child to obey.  (Oh my Sunbeams! I had only 2 yesterday, down from 9, and 2 was MUCH harder than 9–who knew?).

I have only 5 weeks to do a bajillion things…like a bajillion.  The days and weeks are flying by and I am so far from being ready for this little Pickle to arrive.  I am so thankful to have a ton of energy right now.  I just go-go-go all day and run my poor feet into the ground.  My upper back likes to scream at me too–my feet and upper back take turns.

I am so happy my family is not getting antsy about her getting here, maybe because I’m not. As much as I am SO EXCITED to meet her and have a baby and give birth, I just need this time…in fact I have even had thoughts like this: I hope she’s late. (perish the thought!  I know!?!?)

Phoebe has a cold (again) and so I hope she gets it out of her system and we stay healthy for the next 5 weeks.  The next week-week 1/2 is the stressful time of year when my kids have their instrumental evaluations and end-of-year concerts, so that cloud hanging over our heads will push us into 4 MORE weeks til baby! Ay ya ya!

Surprisingly, I continue to find non-maternity clothes that still fit!  This outfit was so comfortable for church yesterday:

This morning as I ate my breakfast standing at the kitchen counter Jason even told me I was sexy.  Woot!  (my love handles were hidden).

Lately I have been eating crunchy almond butter & honey sandwiches or sandwiches made of this:

Yummy.  Have you tried Trader Joe’s Mango Lemonade? It tastes like flowers.

Anywho, I am feeling so happy and energetic and excited and busy and smiley and scheduled and I am fighting through the pain of pregnancy and looking forward to June to have 3 daughters. 3 daughters!? 3….3 daughters. Gulp.

I think my mormon vid might hit 30,000 views today!

 

8 Weeks to go…

I’m working today!  Doing a reading at NYU…it’s my first job in a while and probably my last for a while, so I am really eating it up!  I’m playing the matchmaker in a NYC musical version of Emma, called Playing with Matches…do you think I’ll be named Emma?  I’m pretty excited!

Have you seen my mormon video yet? I get about a thousand new views a day! Crazy!

On to the update:

Last week I did not exercise once.  It was Spring Break so I was completely out of my routine, and I just didn’t do it.

The pollen counts sky-rocketed last week, so I spent a lot of my time being a bit miserable anyway.  I finally bought some benadryl to get me through the night and certain parts of my day (any part that was outside).  Normally I premedicate before the pollen hits, with no less than 3 perscriptions, but since I’m pregnant, I chose not to. Oi.

I hadn’t seen many of my friends for about 10 days, and almost everyone I saw after the break commented on my growing girth. My response: “I thought I was tapering off a bit.”  Everyone agreed: “You look unmistakably pregnant now.”  Well, I am 8 months pregnant, so I guess that’s ok.

Though things are tightening up in my stomach, I still feel pretty great.  I haven’t had any back or joint pain like I seem to remember with Phoebe, and I am still sleeping comfortably.  I only get up to pee about once per night (if at all), and as long as I don’t eat crazy late or crazy tomatoes, my heartburn is good too!

My facial expression looks a little funny here, not sure what I was thinking, but whatevs…you can see my belly is bulging!  I am not a huge cargo pants girl, and I never joined the j brand Houlihan skinny cargo pants movement that was all the rage in Manhattan, but this maternity shorts version, fit very nicely and were a good purchase (on deep discount–I think that means I am NOT “on trend”). Don’t you love my run-on sentences and poor punctuation?

Oh! Did I tell you Jason bought a minivan for our growing family! They really are great set-ups. Even he was quite happy as he loaded the groceries from costco. We are members again.  Jason started the photo riff-raff, how could I not join in?

Is it weird that we have the minivan before the bassinet/car seat/stroller/baby carrier/bottles/diapers/wipes/binkies/everything else?  I have a lot to do!  Do you think she will be on time?

26 Weeks

I can’t think of a better way to mark the 4th anniversary of HB08 than with this post.

After years of being riddled with sorrow about the state of my family, (just 2?) I fell pregnant in the weirdest of circumstances, thinking I actually wasn’t pregnant.  The confusion and wonder of that positive pregnancy test far outweighed the joy and mystery of a new life.  I felt robbed of that moment when you look at the pink line, take a deep breath and whisper a prayer of gratitude for your fortune.

I became emotional when I told my children and family on Christmas day, so that was sort of my re-do of that moment, but I still felt cautiously optimistic as I hadn’t had quite enough proof that everything was going to be ok.

I watched this video, and when I saw the burpcloth go into the diaper bag, the gravity of my situation came rushing over me.  I’m having a baby.  She’s going to need a burp cloth.

Then when I saw the Dad put together the crib, I thought about how lucky I am to have a loyal and valient Father for this lucky baby girl.  When I see my husband, which is here and there these days, sometimes he surprises me by rubbing my belly.  I asked him the other day if he was going to feel connected to Pickle like he did the other two, especially Phoebe (he was home raising her for about 6 months), and he said: I already love her.  He always knew she was a girl and that’s all he wanted, another daughter.  I know he goes to work every single day and wakes up and runs and rides his bike and takes care of whoever needs it, because he is a father.  Knowing he has daughters who will someday choose a man to make a life with, he needs to show them just what kind of man they are looking for.  Lucky me. Lucky us.

Technical Difficulties or I have reached 25 Weeks

Baby Girl got a new nickname last week: Pickle.  One Day at the Magic Kingdom, all I wanted was ice cream. And then there were giant pickles on ice right next to the ice cream cart and I knew I needed one.  I ate the entire thing.  It’s not the first time I have craved pickles this pregnancy, but it is the first pregnancy I have had in which I have craved Pickles.  Baby Girl’s new nickname was born: Pickle.  It kept turning up too.

My daughters are growing up and asking for things like email addresses.  I decided to do a little research so that they weren’t stuck with some ridiculous email address with numbers and symbols and made up names.

I thought I might as well just secure some email addresses for all of my kids, but when I went to do Pickle’s email, the server confirmed just how ridiculous I was acting.

I guess I can wait to get my unborn Pickle an email address.  Call it Cyber Nesting.

At my 20 week sonogram, the doc tried to alarm me into thinking Pickle was too tiny.  I did not overreact, but I did agree to come back in 4 weeks.  The 2nd ultrasound technician asked why we were having a growth check so soon….so I explained the whole situation and she and a new doctor assured me Pickle was not only not small, but almost exactly on schedule.  I am feeling very confident about my due date this time around.  No July baby for me.

Hiding

I’ve been getting a lot of comments lately about how people didn’t even notice I was pregnant before the girls told them, and I was past my 4-month mark. That is exactly what I want to hear because I was TRYING TO HIDE it!

For my first I was anxious to be in maternity clothes (stupid), and my second I can’t remember how I felt or how I dressed.  This time, I was hiding it from everyone because of my Christmas surprise, but now, hiding it is still not a bad thing.

As I started popping a bit, I realized, that I wear many form-fitting clothes.  This makes sense because of my profession and because I accentuate my thinnest, most flattering part, which happens to be my waist. Unfortunately with pregnancy, the waist becomes obsolete!

My plan of action was to internet shop for tops that were not form fitting, and guess what? there are a lot out there!  I found most success on Urban Outfitters.  They dress these skinny models in baggy, empire-waisted, tunic tops! Bingo!  I bought 4 items in my normal size, and they hid my belly perfectly.  I also bought a baggy blouse from H and M and wore a dress of mine where the natural waist was not quite empire, but up just enough to still button closed!

I also find that some of my true-waisted skirts that used to be a little big and then became more of a relaxed waist skirt on non-pregnant me, are now fitting as true-waisted, sitting right there on my now-a-bit-thicker waist.  That photo of me in the skirt is at 19 weeks! Pretty good!  It only works because it is a full skirt.  I had a fitting for a pencil skirt at 18 weeks and the bump was definitely a bump!

My point is not to brag, because I am a regular old pregnant girl…my point is that we should FIGHT the blah maternity clothes as long as possible!

I tried this sweatshirt with the pockets on and compared it to a maternity shirt of a similar style, and the maternity shirt ACCENTUATED the belly, and this shirt did not…the pockets conceal a ton (I thought the opposite might be true).

My main problem now, going into the next part of my pregnancy is less the belly and more the love handles.  I can wear a few pairs of normal pants still, but the muffin top is out of control.  I now prefer sweaters and longer tops with tights/leggings and boots to conceal the yucky back.  But I like the challenge of fitting into non-maternity clothes–then I will have more options when I am transitioning (hopefully) back to normal me.

I have some warm-climate trips coming up and I will be my biggest in a warm climate, so I have bought a few maternity pieces… I am curious to see how I will like them!  I feel so out of the loop with wear to get the best maternity stuff!

Next challenge: nursing without “nursing” tops.