A Brief Moment


Friends, it is not often I have a spare moment to blog in real-time.  This is as close as it gets. It’s 6:08 AM on Saturday morning.  My baby has just tested my patience since around 2:30.  We still have nights mornings when she decides to wake up and cry for sometimes a long time.  Her latest trick is waking up and rolling over onto her belly so that she face plants.  I don’t really think she is going to suffocate, but I am her mother, so I turn her over and hope this time, she’ll stay on her back and fall asleep.

Anyway, at 5:30 I finally decided to give in and nurse her–but with the lights on, in the family room–trying to trick her into thinking it’s really 7 am and this is reasonable.  The only reward for this is the fact that she fell asleep and cuddled on my neck for a little while.  She is NOT a cuddler, so I soaked it up and then deposited her back in her crib to finish her sleep (on her back).

The reason I am writing now is because I can feel the fall air through the window and the bigs are still slumbering and the hubs is out running (of course) “just to central park and back”  — he’s a wonder.  It’s quiet, and I have a spare moment.

Yesterday I ran 5 miles.  I cannot remember a time when a run was more exhilarating.  Factors involved: I weighed myself and realized I was FINALLY down 4 pounds (since week 2).  J was home with the baby (she was safe and sound).  My route was a circle on two of my favorite Brooklyn streets (designed by J).  I had on knee-high compression socks (because my other socks were dirty).  The weather was absolutely perfect.  My Nike + app played all my favorites from my running list.  I was seriously so happy about this run, that when I saw a fellow girl runner around mile 4 coming my way, I stuck my hand out and YES…she high-fived me.

I have NEVER interacted with a running stranger before in NYC. Ever.  In my Mom’s hood everyone’s always like helloing and good morninging…not here.

The total route was more than 5 miles, but at 5.10 the final hill appeared, and so I stopped running. I was NOT going to let that hill ruin my 10:12 pace.  It was seriously the best hour I have had in 2 weeks.  I felt like myself, I felt strong, I felt back.  I almost cried.

I have been shrouded in brain buzz for about 2 weeks.  This past week it’s manifested in the boat sway.  Even when I am sitting still I feel like I am on a boat.  It actually affects my perception to the point where I miss door handles when I go to open them, drop things and bump into people.  I’m just slightly off- but it is exhausting and agitating for it’s constancy.  When I am out and about it is better, I am mostly afflicted when I am at home.

It is frustrating to say the least.  It is a test of my patience and long-suffering.  I have been doing the following to combat it: praying, breathing, exercising, soul-dipping, asking, answering, talking, resting my eyes, napping, enduring.  I know it is anxiety. I know it is stress-related. I also know that I have nothing to be anxious about. Isn’t that what anxiety is after all? Irrational fear?  (Though I think it is no coincidence that it showed up on the first day of school.)

I am coping and I am happy.  There was one morning there where I really worried and I felt like maybe I was having some delayed PPD, but after I got through that day I knew it wasn’t, or at least, that I wasn’t going to let it be that.

So I’m dancing my dance over here, one step at a time: trying to be clear, focused, rational and sublime.

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4 responses to “A Brief Moment

  1. Hey sweet Kristy, its just being a mom and managing many other lives besides your own. With 3 I can’t imagine! and there is school and after school and yes did we forget to feed the baby, to change and keep on going and keep on smiling. Overall it always seems that you navigate everything with such grace! It is very inspiring to read your posts! Have a wonderful weekend!

  2. It is the best to feel like “yourself again”!! We all know that great feeling. Ila’s Mommy & Daddy tightly rolled up two blankets that were folded the length of her. After swaddling her for the night they put a roll on each side of so it was very difficult for her to roll over & awaken. It seems they did that for many months & stopped when she started wearing jammies with feet.

  3. In some ways #3 has been easiest baby transition, but in others not. I feel like it’s the loooongest it’s taken to feel like myself again. #1 and #2 I felt great by 6 months. #3, there are still days I don’t feel like myself and he’s 10 months old. There are glimmers. There are moments. It’s taken longer to lose weight, even with all the working out (bc I’m older, too). Maybe when the nursing is done? Anyway, hang in there — is the dizziness related to “Head Bump” issues (HB08) ? I can imagine that is frustrating w/ a little baby to hold and care for. One thing I try to do, that’s kinda hard w/ older ones, is to simplify wherever possibly – dinner making, house cleaning, kids activities – wherever I can. Simplify. It helps.

  4. Shannon Hyer

    Hi…I read your blog but rarely comment! I knew your friend Carrie in our Pasadena Ward–try using a wedge-type thing for the baby–my babies (all 4) have slept between two wedge pieces…I put them down on their side, they wake up on their side–cause they can’t move!

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